Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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