When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
