I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
