Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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