Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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