please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
