it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
