Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
