Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
