Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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