i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
