You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
