No stitches, just platelets and will power
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
