you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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