i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There's always time for handjobs
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
