I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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