You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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