matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
