You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
