happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I cut my penus on the lid.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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