We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
