You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Is Oprah even human
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
