just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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