Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
