Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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