He asked to "fluff my boner.."
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
