M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
