I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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