That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
