i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
