I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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