yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Small penises have feelings too.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
