I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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