it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
