Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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