i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
