i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
cat food counts as protein by the way
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
