Where are you?
In a non slutty way
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
