can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize