I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
