um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
How naked do you want me to be?
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