I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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