I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
