I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize