I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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