i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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