Your face is a jimmy john
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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