im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
