Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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