I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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