if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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