I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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