I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
