I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I am midnight drunk by noon
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
