i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
