I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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