I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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