I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
