I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
