I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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