you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
