I showed him my bush... on skype.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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