I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
