Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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