Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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