Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
