Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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