apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
